Don't wear that: Crocs

Raúl Peschiera on fashion faux pas

If there is one really good reason not to wear something, it's that it might kill you. Of course we all know that fashion can be a fickle mistress, purring over your laser-cut Japanese blazer one minute then kicking you up the backside for being on the wrong end of 1980s chic, the next. But can it kill?

I mean, even if you were to arrive at your in-laws' late summer party with your trim-fitting Issey Miyake top shoehorned into the back elastic of your sensible knickers, with a train of loo paper wafting behind you, the only real casualties would be your pride, and that canapé your mother-in-law just dropped into her Bollinger. But that's hardly murder, is it? Yet wearing Crocs is just a step short of blowing someone away.|

Theatre nurses do a noble job, but it's one made all the harder by choosing to slip their feet into what look like the dry husks of topped and tailed toads. Surely by wearing them they risk generating the sort of static electricity that can knock out an entire medical unit? So let's not be funny about this: dodgy plastic clogs can kill.

Are we surprised? I hope not. Barely acceptable as footwear for gardening, the rubber clog purists claim their pedigree is nautical. But have you ever seen a serious sailor clopping around the deck in them? Clearly, if the America's Cup-winning Alinghi team can pretend they don't exist, so can we.

No, the ubiquity of this foot-based eyesore rose from the depths of the fashion ambivalent suburbs of midwest America. Like a virulent alien species, it is now everywhere. As with all viruses, the first to bring them home are the children. But that's no excuse, because kids can get away with anything. No, these are hideous, cartoon clogs and should you ever feel the desire to give them a try, you must resist. Turn on your heels and walk away. Otherwise your feet will end up looking like fat, plastic spatulas slapping around the pavement. Still not convinced? Well, George W Bush wears them with socks. Follow that path, and fashion itself will be the victim. When lives are at stake, it's best to play it safe.